I do not feel real
I’m more awake when I’m asleep and more asleep when I am awake.
I do not feel real. I have never felt real.
Not in the sense of feeling hollow or empty, but in a way that feels like I am watching life unfold rather than actually experiencing it.
It’s like I am asleep.
I do not remember the last time I felt tethered to this reality.
My conversations always feel like I am watching someone take on different characters and personalities, and playing them as their own.
Sometimes I take on the persona of an overly chatty, enthusiastic person.
Other times, I surprise myself with how timid and shy I get.
On other days, one could swear that I am the most confident person they have ever met.
The crazy bit is that whenever I am dreaming, I am always very aware that I am dreaming.
Once I realize I am dreaming, I go around and ask random people in my dream to find my body and wake me up.
I’m more awake when I’m asleep and more asleep when I am awake.
When I was nine, I used to tell myself that I was asleep and one day I would wake up and everything would all make sense. I don’t know if I ever woke up.
Last time I ever felt real was in 2012. Best year of my life.
I sometimes catch glimpses of myself waking up. When I am dancing, writing or when I’m having long deep conversations with my brother.
But it doesn’t last long, I go back to sleep soon afterwards.
I do not write this in a sad way, but rather to present my observations of myself to myself.
So here I am, sending my intentions to the cosmic universe. If you find my body, wake me up. Gently, might I add.